I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
