She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
