So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
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I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize