You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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