I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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