The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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