I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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