Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
