I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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