He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
