The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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