I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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