We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
