dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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