i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
