I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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