Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
