i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
