boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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