the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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