he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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