Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
