I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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