Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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