Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
