I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
