R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Randomize
