I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
