as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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