i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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