Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
