i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wish my penis had a tongue
this just has baby written all over it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
