just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
