i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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