you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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