His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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