I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
