i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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