i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize