Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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