Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
