I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
