he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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