Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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