I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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