can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
