Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
