remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
