I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
