Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Randomize
