so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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