Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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