So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
