i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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