The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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