On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
