So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
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And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
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did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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