and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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