maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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