i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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