the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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